The "One"

I realize that I have not written an entry in over a month. Hopefully, this will be the last update. I think I've found the elusive, critically endangered, almost never seen-in-public 'the one.' The last few weeks of my life have been the happiest I have experienced... well, ever actually. Not only does he pretty much meet The List [see prior entry], but he offers so much beyond it at the same time. I would have never predicted that things would work out so well, especially given our superficial differences [artist/actor and dancer vs scientist with two left feet].
But on a fundamental level, not only does he compliment me in every way but he could well be my twin/best friend. Every passing week feels like the most amazing months of my existence and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him and know that he feels the same. I have never been so understood in my life - even my most vague and insignificant of statements are completely parsed and laid bare. I feel like I am standing naked with no hope of hiding anything from him, but unlike any other time, I don't even have an inkling of the feeling that I need to do so.
I wish that all my readers get to experience the same fortune as has been bestowed upon me - know that you deserve the best and do not compromise settle acquiesce until you find it. Apparently, miracles do happen to those who wait long enough and know what they are looking for... With that said, I am closing out this blog. Farewell!

How not to do it, take 3

I hope that these examples are helpful in illustrating what not to do. It seems that either people put way too much effort into all the wrong things as Part 2 revealed so well or absolutely effort into their profiles as the below shows. Note that the following sections are missing entirely: 'About me', 'I'm good at', 'The most private thing I'm willing to admit', 'I spend a lot of time thinking about', '6 things I could not do without', which is probably just as well as you will see below. Without further ado...

Summary:

My name is *** and I am a pretty easy going guy [again with the easy-going?]. I like being active wether [a typo - we'll let it slide] its [eek!] going roller blading, working out, doing little projects at home. Im [typo#3] pretty settled down and lookng [typo 4 - okay, this is getting eggregious! You cannot ask this man to write more than a sentence apparently...]  towards meeting people for both friends and hopefully something more serious.

My life:

I spend most of my time working and at home [Really? I really can't imagine that...] . I like to roller blade [I get it - he likes to roller blade.... did everyone notice?], go to the beach, hang out with friends, and find something crazy to do once in a while. I recently joined a camping group and hope to go out with thm [typo#5] once a month for the next year.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, food:

My favortes [typo#6 - who's counting anymore?]  movies are the Harry Potter series [oy!], and old movies [this is vague - it could mean anything from Charlie Chaplin to Audrey Hepburn to Romy and Michele!]. My number one genre in music is country, followed by top 40. I like all kinds of food, no real favorites but am scared to eat sea food [I actually give kudos to this - at least he has a reason. Unlike the other examples we've seen].

On a Friday night, I am:

I spend most fridays nights at home, but could be doing any number of things [as could we all?]. Could be have friends over for dinner [I'm starting to feel like a high school grammar teacher...], I could be working out, watching movies, or home/yard projects. If I am not at home the one place I like to go out on Friday nights is *** in ***, but only make it out there several times a year [I think he has already made a good case for pretty much never going out - this only serves to reinforce it and put the nail into the coffin! Perhaps the latter part could be dropped in an attempt to be less off-putting more mysterious].

You should message me if:

You should message me if you want to meet me. We could go out for coffee, a walk in the park, or stay in and make dinner [somehow I think while other choices are presented, I know what the REAL preference is...].

And there it is.... Bland, trite, totally devoid of personality and bordering on the endorsement of an agoraphobic lifestyle. Ironically, this one might actually have been helped had less been said! As it stands, I would put this somewhere on a scale between anemic and comatose. 

How not to do it, take 2

This one is particularly bad! Believe it or not, I did not make up a single thing - this is an ACTUAL profile. I don't think I could come up with this even if I tried... I am not even going to make any comments - I think this speaks for itself. Enjoy!

Summary:

LOOKING FOR "LTR" & FUN... IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER...
Straight acting & masculine. Total guy's guy. Grew up in the northern suburbs. Versatile top w/ fine cock. Butch personality. Into sports, music, travel & the outdoors. Living in western suburbs/weekend travel to [blank]. Looking for hot friends to get to know & for a good time. Open to LTR with the right person. Must be masculine, height/weight proportionate, with hair in the right places & have an outgoing, confident personality. Prefer close to my own age and younger. D/D free. You be too. Tested 7/25/11. Regarding LTR, you must have your act together. I am looking for a partner interested in raising a family.

My life:

I'm going places with my life. Aggressively climbing the corporate ladder. Career focused. Willing to share my success with a qualified partner. Looking for a partner who is educated, successful and career oriented.

I'm good at:

Cooking, hiking, fishing, camping, gardening. Love the outdoors and any outdoor activities.

About me:

I'm super genuine and down to earth. I tend to talk a lot. I'm like a radio. I'm constantly broadcasting. I'm a nice guy. I tend to go out of my way for people. I'm a little quick to judge. I don't like being taken advantage of. If I think someone is using me, they're going to be "un-friended". I'm told I've got a great smile.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, food:

I'm a total nerd. Into personal finance. I read financial magazines. Love Star Trek. I enjoy most sci-fi. Huge [blank] fan. I try to get along with [blank] fans. I don't appreciate the negativity of what seems like the majority of [blank] fans towards[blank] fans... I know my team sucks. I still like them anyway. So get over it!!! I tend to be shallow when it comes to movies. Mars Attacks!, Independence Day, Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6, Terminator 2. More serious movies: Brokeback Mountain, Short Bus, Into the Wild. I kinda get into Broadway shows, but wouldn't be caught dead singing showtunes in public. I like seafood. A lot. And I like fish and red meat. A lot. Some days I'll eat only fruits and veggies... That's how I restore balance to the force...

6 things I could not do without:

Where would society be today without vitamins, condoms, personal lubricant, attractive men, red wine, & craft beers...


And now, presenting the short list of things I'd like to be without: politicians, god and religion, timekeeping & calendars, cigarette smoke, and stupid celebrity reality shows on TV.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Why there are so many ignorant people in the world... I'd like to ship all the dumb dumbs off to another planet... And all the bad drivers... Why can't we get rid of them too... I also spend a lot of time thinking about what it would actually be like if the [blank] were to not only play in the World Series in my lifetime, but to actually win the World Series. Also spend a lot of time thinking about aliens... They're totally out there. Probably not such a good idea if they come here... My guess is that if they come to Earth, its going to end up very, very bad for us... They'll either come to take natural resources and plunder the planet or come to eat us... I'd prefer the outcome of a zombie plague to having to defend the planet from aliens.

On a Friday night, I am:

perfectly content to sit at home and relax in front of the TV... I like to go out from time to time on a Friday, but for me its just great to relax after a crazy, crazy week.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit:

I've got an ego... Though somehow I'm down to earth... I'm a minimalist... I don't buy fancy new clothes, don't think much of fancy new cars, prefer meals out, travel, recreational activities, time outdoors, and shared experiences with family and friends over receiving gifts... I'm not materialistic. I dumpster dive for second hand furniture rather than buy new things... I collect friends and lovers, rather than material objects.... I love a date with a nice looking guy followed by intimacy if the chemistry is right.... I tend to be "easy" but I'm not a cheap date... If your idea of a date is grabbing fast food, then it's probably better that we not meet... My philosophy about dating is simple... Relationships have to have roughly four pillars... Sexual compatibility, an emotional connection, trust and respect, and economic parity... I've been in some great relationships where everything was perfect, but I ended up sexually frustrated. Needless to say those relationships didn't work out... I've also had relationships where I was in love with the person, but there was no economic parity... Every day was a struggle in that relationship.... No worries... There isn't going to be a test... And I don't bite, unless you want me to... One of my priorities on a date is to figure out if the other person and I are sexually compatible... For me, that's the most important thing.... Everything else is necessary also, but I can find those things out over time... If the sex isn't good however, most likely there isn't going to be a next time... Sorry, I may come across as a dick... You gotta wonder which head is doing the thinking as I sit here writing this... Its just how I am... Anyway, I look forward to our first date!

You should message me if:
Message me if you're withing close proximity to my area or willing to travel. I'm not into the long distance thing. I've done long distance relationships before and they're totally stupid. Read my entire profile. I'm a bit sarcastic at times but genuinely a nice guy. My humor tends to be a bit trashy... I've been known to offend... Most people see through all of that and like me.... You should definitely take a chance and say hi!!!

Depth Perception

As a friend of mine remarked the other day, 

'Dating anyone with any level of depth in [blank city] is like drowning in 3 feet of water!' 

Amen to that! Have you noticed how a lot of people who move to the 'big city' seem to become paralyzed and mired in their day-to-day life, which they consider to be the epitome of success and high living? More and more, I meet men who go on and on about the small town that they have 'escaped' and how happy they are to have moved but when I ask them about their further goals and ambitions, all they do is stare blankly. I understand that you've made it - you have your own studio/1 BR that's within walking distance of the hottest gay bars in town and you now look down on others who own a car as you believe that to be the antithesis of a hip, urban lifestyle that clashes with your new-found green fad sensibility. You also find it incredibly exciting to try 'world-class' restaurants such as Chipotle, the asian fusion place down the block (so called as they take the same basic noodles and vegetables and change the prepackaged sauces to suit Vietnamese, Chinese, or  Thai at your whim), the Olive Garden or, for those special occasions, Maggiano's. These, in turn, also become their new-found criteria to evaluate others on. Besides the ever-present markers of income, clothes, level of fitness or 'staying healthy.' 
However,  I regret to inform you that there are - gasp - other things to consider. For starters, there are cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Tokyo, Paris and others where life does not end with the splendor described above. Not to mention, cultural capitals such as Bilbao, Milan, St. Petersburg, Hong Kong can actually offer one a little bit more food for the soul that your local gay men's chorus group. You can discover world-class film (albeit with subtitles - this one is a common deal-breaker), the opera, theater (and not just Broadway!), revisit museums to partake in a classical art expo or go to a new gallery to see up and coming talent, do a picnic in a park and listen to the symphony or opera, visit a university campus to listen to a foreign leader or expert talk about their field - the list goes on and on! 
But, alas, mediocrity is a moving target. It reminds me of those college courses where you were graded on overall improvement from your baseline as opposed to on an absolute scale. Suddenly, it's okay to not dream big but just to dream... anything. And that is precisely the reason I am not a fan of the beach and much prefer swimming in the pool, under controlled circumstances.

A question of 'flutter'

In my experience, I have heard this being said more often that I care to admit:

' I met a great guy who's super nice, very attractive, is very well put together and treats me like no one else but he just didn't make my heart flutter so I broke up with him'

This begs the question - what exactly are we looking for when we say this? And are you talking about actual heart palpitations or something (hopefully) a little more metaphorical?  How can it be that after you find someone who is so close to perfect, against all odds I might add, you then proceed to give it up in the blink of an eye? Is this an example of being extremely fickle or just not knowing what you're after?


I do not believe that people who make these kinds of statements have a malicious intent or are that clueless. However, it seems that at a minimum you owe it to yourself and to the other person to know what you are looking for. A particular friend of mine seems to go through this loop ad nauseam and I have stopped lightly pointing this out to him and have just been telling him up front that he clearly does not know what to expect out of a relationship. I am a firm believer that you need to treat your date/boyfriend/partner/significant other with the same courtesy and respect and love that you expect to get back in return. To give anything less is unjust and undeserved. Furthermore, the loss of that 'fluttering' feeling is all too normal - one cannot expect to continue to experience that first high ad infinitum. What is more important is what emerges from those initial impressions and feelings - hopefully something that is durable and uplifting and inspirational, based on a deep personal understanding that is rooted in your personalities and interactions thereof, your values and desires in life. Now if only I could make it that far just this one time...
 

The perfect list?

To continue my discussion about standards and dating, I will begin to address a long-standing issue of mine. And that is whether a 'list' - in this case, a mental break-down of traits that are desired in a potential partner that can be used to screen potential candidates - is a help or hindrance to the process. All of us have our lists - they may be very small and non-specific except to indicate that someone has to have a car and a job [see previous post] or can be very long and esoteric as mine have been known to be in the past.  The question of whether they work is up in the air. A good example of someone with a list can be seen in that timeless series, 'Sex and the City' in the case of Miranda, the bossy lawyer, being the perfect example of someone whose desires and wants have clearly run away and prevent her from dealing with reality. This was not too dissimilar from my early dating experiences as well as I though I wanted to find someone who shared so many of my interests and opinions, that I pretty much ruled everyone out who was not genetically related. My most recent relationship was actually with someone who would have likely never met the list, and it was for the most part quite successful except for the fact that in the end we were fundamentally too different as people and had conflicting goals in life, which lead to our parting.  

I suppose having your own list is useful on another level - it can serve as a crutch that you can rely on to help in deciding who you would not continue to date. Instead of truly delving into the issues at hand and spending countless hours analyzing the true meaning behind your interactions and what you perceive the other person to be, it greatly cuts down on your time to simply say: "He doesn't eat sushi? He's out!" By this criteria, the list becomes a heuristic - a simple and straightforward tool to shorten complex decision-making. But just as it saves time and can seem indispensable, it can just as surely set us up for pitfalls and prompt to quickly dismiss someone for relatively minor and ultimately inconsequential reasons.

So, barring the above, what do we have left? The way that the person makes you feel and act when they're around? Does he make me happy and do I find myself thinking of the next time I see him? Does he open up parts of my personality that I did not know existed and does he push me to do new things? Is he someone that I can relate and look up to? As you can tell, a lot of these are based on a purely emotional basis and the difficulty here is how to distinguish between a true, strong and durable attraction from the usual short-lived feelings of sexual attraction and lust and the giddiness that accompanies the first few dates that inevitably lose steam with time. In short, it is much like the quote below:

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."

- Woody Allen

In short, I don't believe I have an answer to the above. If I did, I would likely not be creating an entry on this topic. So I suppose I will have to get back to this one at a later time. But for now, I will have to rely on what I know and see where it takes me.  Oh, and for the purposes of my own purging, I will put up my infamous list below. Now I can finally be free.

The List:

* Compatible sense of humor [dark, witty, can joke about anything]

* Job that he is happy with

* Propensity to grow - personally and professionally

* Wishes to improve himself though education, travel, culture, personal growth

* Liberal/progressive in outlook

* Reads the New Yorker and the New York Times on a regular basis

* Knows how to cook or is willing to learn

* Adventurous with food or has the desire to grow
* Likes Korean, Chinese, Japanese food [not just sushi]
* Knows the difference between Mandarin, Cantonese, Hunan cuisines
* Avid coffee drinker
* Prefers Starbucks to other major coffee chains
* Secretly knows that Oren's Daily Roast is the best coffee in New York

* Considers himself an intellectual or aspires to be with one

* Not religious or minimally so

* Likes pets

* Taller than 5'5"

* Balances career with personal life

* Likes the outdoors; goes camping/hiking

* Is not overly emotional/dramatic, can communicate feelings well

* Appreciates along time for self and partner

* Able to balance going out as well as staying in and having a low key night at home

* Is inspired to make the best out of life and strives to accomplish everything he sets out to do

* Keeps his car clean

* Keeps his house in order

* No substance abuse problems

* No uncontrolled mental health issues

* Well-adjusted

* Under 250 lbs

* Has average or above-average self-esteem

* Is interested in a healthy lifestyle [this is not to say he is a health nut]

* Appreciates the quality of time spent together, not just quantity

* Open to travel and exploring the world wherever that make take him

* Similar music tastes

* Appreciates classic and Criterion collection films; prefers foreign to domestic pictures

* Is an avid reader

* Willing to move for his partner and expectation is shared

* Supportive and kind

* Not dependent

* Can be spontaneous if the need arises

* Interested in foreign language

* Values multiculturalism and diversity, not insular

* Looks forward to sharing new experiences and personal growth together with his partner

* Matches personalities or is compatible by Meyers-Brigg

* Knows what Meyers-Brigg is

A question of standards

Upon my recent discussions with friends, dates and former boyfriends I discovered something striking. It seems that there appears to be a pattern of lowering one's standards in a directly opposite relation to one's success. Case in point: a successful bank manager, who has a law school degree, is personable, attractive, witty and overall an awesome catch described me the following when I inquired as to his ideal partner: 

" I want someone who is employed, not crazy and does not bring bologna on the first date."

Of course I though he was joking, but he apparently was not. When I prodded about the rest of his 'list' he just looked at me and said there was nothing else to add. Then he proceeded to tell me the story of an 'exciting' first date wherein the guy was supposed to meet him at a restaurant but instead bumped into him at the bologna counter at a nearby grocery store. Apparently, the lure of said bologna was too much to wait until after the date to purchase.

On the other hand, I have also seen multiple examples of people who are barely employed in fields that do not offer stellar job growth or advancement opportunities who seem to have a list a mile long and would absolutely refuse to date anyone who doesn't drive a late-model year luxury car and have money to spend and then some. So this begs the question: what is going on??

I find the above developments very disconcerting as it already takes the tiny pool of actually date-able upstanding quality men and decreases it further by making them so pessimistic and down-trodden through recurrent bad experiences that they have no choice but give up as illustrated in the case above. Or they go the other extreme and throw up a list of qualifications that pretty much disqualifies anyone who is not their identical twin from ever making it past the first few dates. Surely, we can [and should] do better! Not that elevating your standards works any better [just ask me!] but there definitely needs to be a happy medium. And if all else fails, then at least have a 'no lunch meat' date policy laid out ahead of time.

Knitting on the bus...

The other day I was taking the bus on my commute to work when I saw a peculiar sight. An attractive late 20-something girl in scrubs who was listening to her headphones and in her hand holding a circular wire loop with what looked like the start of a sweater sleeve attached to the inside. She was concentrating on near-effortlessly coordinating multiple complicated moves with her two knitting needles and a third tooth-pick like object to guide the canary yellow string into its' rightful place in the meshwork. The degree to which she was engrossed in her task was almost perplexing - who was she making the item for? She did not have a ring on her finger so the obvious question was whether her 'hobby' was somehow related to this fact. At the same time, she definitely did not strike me as the stereotypical image of a spinster. Perhaps the truth lay somewhere in between. To speak the truth, on some level I almost envied her dedication and skill and ability to let everything else disappear into the background while she was handling the task at hand. On the other hand, I almost felt a twinge of pity for her - would she be doing the exact same routine if you fast-forward 5, 10 or 20 years? What if she missed that Hollywood-esque opportunity of meeting Mr. Right who boarded the bus and smiled at her in an attempt to sit next to her and she was too engrossed to notice him. And just when would she be done with her project? Surely, she can't be making an entire sweater, I thought. 


As the bus made its' corner turn and I rang the bell and got up I took one last look at her. She was as immersed in her task as ever, not even acknowledging the woman next to her who bumped her with a purse as she was getting up. As I stepped off and began the short walk to my work building, I had made my mind up: I would not take up knitting. Sure, I could ride on the bus by myself and arrive home to my cat but at least I hoped to not miss Mr. Right should the opportunity ever arose.

Dating Speed Limit

In our daily lives, people generally fall into 3 categories: the ones who race on the highway with blatant disregard for the posted speed limit, others who largely follow it to within 10% and the poor unfortunate souls who think that driving 45 in the left lane of a 75-mph 8-laner is the safest way to go.


The same can be said about dating. There are those who think it is quite appropriate and expected to intimately become acquainted with your tonsils by the first date and other anatomic features by the second; those who seem to enjoy the act of only kissing for weeks without any progression, and those that fall in between the two extremes. Of course this brings up the whole 'how fast is too fast' debate. Call me old-fashioned, but I've always been under the impression that sex should take at least 3-5 dates. It can come later of course but I'm not going to kick my legs up in the air before realizing that your 'roommate' is actually an ex-boyfriend that just happens to still sleep in the same bed and room as you but, you know, it's strictly platonic.


Of course, this brings me to my point - the incompatibility of people from groups 1 and 3 above can be readily seen. However, when the differences are less pronounced but still noticeable, how does one approach this situation? The tried and true method involved the solution to, and cause of most of our problems - alcohol! While effective, this can have unwanted consequences. There's nothing worse than waking up at 10AM with a splitting headache and wondering how you got to where you are and who the person next to you is. And is it even the same one you remember from the day before? Trying to talk and address the pace can also be quite tricky - a high-wire balancing act really - wherein a single misstep can result in you plummeting into the world of ill-repute or sexual fiendom.


If only one had a radar detector that allowed you to cruise along at an appropriately fast speed most of the time, slowing down at just the right moment to evade the cops. Pending this, one will have to stick to carefully observing his dates' driving style and attempting to glean as much from this as possible.

Religiosity

Having been a secular Humanist for most of my life, I generally shy away from overtly religious individuals in my life. It's not that I don't like them or am not open-minded enough to engage them - no, quite the opposite. However, it seems that my generous tolerance for the beliefs of others is not even remotely matched by my Believer brothers. Case in point - I recently found out that an individual that I was dating was quite offended at my usage of the term 'Goddamn!' when used as a substitute for, what were in my opinion, more saucy words. He was not amused however. This was ironic, I thought, especially because not a couple of night ago we watched 'Strangers with Candy', which as some may remember, used that term ad-nauseam for the pure fun of offending people. Anyhoo, not wanting to have the 'religion' talk, I simply tried to downplay it and promised I would work on it. This appeared to not be enough and before I could get a word in edgewise, I was staring down the middle of THE Debate. Now I would prefer some kind of warning prior to engaging in this type of thing to mentally prepare myself or at least search for the emergency exit signs. In this instance, I was literally trapped!


Needless to say, it did not go well. Apparently, sharing one's real opinions and beliefs will not be pleasing to a Believer unless you a) acknowledge that god exists, b) admit that as an atheist, you are a second-class citizen or at least inadequate for 'missing something', c) admit that faith is necessary for all to live a fulfilling life, d) keep your opinion to yourself regarding the above and e) raise any potential children in the Belief, preferably indoctrinating them from an age at which object permanence has just emerged.


Now if anyone knows me, I tend to be very steadfast in my principles, especially when it comes to such personal and defining issues. I politely excused myself, apologized for stating that the bible contains multiple parts that directly contradict other parts (this was more of a saving face gesture as it truly does! I wrote multiple papers on this exact topic) and stated that I did not want to have this discussion further. Alternatively, I may be willing to meet him halfway and become a Pastafarian but I refuse to attend services. More of a just-in-case Pastafarian really as I wouldn't want to have egg on my face once the Flying Spaghetti Monster appears.


Perhaps this episode explains the utility of the 'religion' category in personals but this can get dicey. People put all kinds of things in there, not least of all 'spiritual'. This can mean anything from them not wanting to admit that they are atheists in an attempt to dissuade other people, such as my date, from perceiving them as heretics to hard-core wiccans who dance naked around trees in Central Park until being taken to the Bellevue psychiatric ward. A true gamble!


Perhaps, I will rethink this and consider attending the Church of the FSM after all. As long as they have singles night.

All the good ones are taken...

Surely, you must've found yourself muttering this phrase or even saying it out loud on more than one occasion. Quite frankly, I don't think I go a week without doing so myself. My friends like to point out that I am very 'pragmatic' in my observations and should perhaps work on this but it really seems to be true! 


Case in point: you meet a great personable guy who has a head on his shoulder, career that is well under-way and on auto-pilot with nary an emotional problem in sight when, all of a sudden, on date #X he reveals that he has an incurable chronic infectious disease [that I will not specify further]. Other that this one little fact, he seems perfect. Suddenly, two things come to mind: 1 - what happened to full disclosure BEFORE or at least by the first date regarding such a potentially huge issue and 2 - am I ready to deal with this unexpected turn of events?


Regarding #2, I can say that, honestly, yes I am ready. It helps that the exact same thing has happened before which has prepared me well for the discussions involved and issues needing to be addressed. But the thorn remains: it truly appears that for someone to land a good man, he either needs to be a home-wrecker or be prepared to repeatedly expose himself to at least a minimal baseline risk of acquiring an incurable infectious disease and hope for the best. Otherwise, you're stuck with an emotionally stunted child with a chemical dependency problem or worse. 


I'll take the latter and keep my Costco-sized Post Exposure Prophylaxis kit by my nightstand. Oh, and get tested again. Perhaps, there's a possibility I won't need to worry about it so much and the anxiety will all disappear [or so one can only hope]. . . . 

The Crusaders

I have recently become aware of an interesting subset of people who I will refer to as 'The Crusaders.' These are people who take it upon themselves to serve as self-proclaimed guardians of gay dating. Sort of like a combination between the religious police in Saudi Arabia and a traditional Jewish matchmaker. Apparently, these individuals have taken it upon themselves to get involved in reviewing past relationships, discussing the events leading to the break-up or dissolution thereof and then acting as judge, jury and executioner in one. I naively thought that this was only the purview of family and close confidants but - oh, no - in the Midwest this seems to be quite a common occurrence. If only Stalin had these guys on his side to include in his troikas!


The ironic part, of course, is that the people participating in this are not the most upstanding citizens in the gay community. Much like other figures of authority, they have multiple skeletons in their closets (no matter how big and nice they may be) but behave mostly with impunity. They operate under the pretext of weeding out the 'bad' people within the dating pool with the goal of watching out for 'family.' Quite an interesting mission, that. Apparently, sleeping simultaneously with 2 men in a partnership without the other knowing is one of the admitting requirements to this select circle.

But, no fear! Your trial will be done in absentia, the hearing conducted by at least 12 people you have never met, the evidence presented will be exclusively one-sided with whatever supporting data can be gleaned from Facebook research and Google. Finally, the verdict will either be delivered to you by e-mail or a random person approaching you in a gay bar.


In summary, while there seems to be no good preventative measure for this character defamation, you may want to recruit counsel, proficient in gay relationships [e.g. gay lawyer friend]. Either that or head to Jerusalem to mount a counter-assault.

Peter Pan

The more I sit back and observe, the more I come to the realization that gay men have found the fountain of youth. Sort of. I am of course referring not to a magical serum that irons out all wrinkles in a flash, but a mental fountain of youth. It seems that the vast majority of people I meet seem to have a perpetual disconnect between their chronological and psychological ages. How else to explain the 36 year olds who hit the bar scene almost every day, imbibing massive quantities of alcohol and still wearing clothes and acting like they are back in college...


I do not necessarily think this is a bad aspect - but one has to wonder. If women have to wait until men reach their late 20s and 30s until they have 'matured' enough to sink their teeth settle down with them and break convince them to change their ways and establish a committed long term relationship, how old does a gay man have to be to realize and want the same? I do not think there's a single answer to this question - after all, a lot depends on how long the man in question has had to 'browse' the market. If they are late comers to the party, chances are they will be reliving their teenage years for at least the next 5-10 years.


This is all well and good, but perhaps we need to have a formula or description available that determines the chronological and psychological ages so that one knows what he's getting into - a sort of Peter Pan index. Kind of like a sticker, analogous to city and highway MPG. Which if you think about it, is not bad way to think about the dating process in general...

The roller coaster...

Is there any other activity that is as unpredictable and random as dating? Sure, you can participate in a bungee jump or guide a canoe down a steep creek, but the excitement aspect of it is expected - after all, that's why you seek it out in the first place. Dating in my experience has been the opposite - you go in expecting an entertaining enough time but don't really pin your hopes on any one particular outcome lest you be repeatedly and severely disappointed. At least you will have tried that restaurant you've always been talking about or finally have an original and misshapen unique mug that you promised to make one day, a la a bad version of 'Ghost'.

And so there are truly few other things that can give you as much of an intoxicating rush as 'the perfect date.' When it all does actually come together and go well beyond what you imaged, you feel an overwhelming rush,  almost like you have to take a step back just to take it all in. To bask in this effervescent, preternatural sense of being, while realizing that although outcomes such as this are few and far between, they make the entire process redeem itself.  Serving as a beacon of dating bliss, the above lead us onward to continue to strive for even more occasions that match in intensity and excitement... Admitting to the fact that chemistry between two people can indeed lead to something so beautiful and fragile yet powerful and grandiose at the same time is a very humbling realization to come to. That so much of one's own happiness can be derived from a shared experience, be so dependent on another seems almost contrary to human nature. One can only hope that it lasts and does not recede with time...

And when someone asks you to leave the ride, you hold on for dear life and ask if you can do it all over again.

What's cute at first...

Have you noticed that when you first meet someone, they have a 'thing'. We've all encountered - whether it is mispronouncing a word [e.g. nuclear becomes nu-cular], changing the accent on a word [All-bany becomes Al-ban-ee], or having a saying ['flip a U' instead of 'make a U-turn'], most of us do this. And at first, you think that's it's 'refreshing' and 'cute'. Then it becomes 'well that's just the way they do it.' However, over time this seems to devolve into a major annoyance. And no matter how many times you lightly point this out, it seems to never sink in. Hell, even if you tell the person that it is no longer 'cute' and 'will you PLEASE stop doing it', they just seem to continue to do so out of spite.


As you can tell, I can definitely relate to this phenomenon. Thus, I do not think I would be able to date someone who refuses to properly pronounce chorizo. It's not even that hard of a word: cho-REE-zoe. Or connoisseur. Or bruschetta. If you are able to preemptively self-identify this problem, you are ahead of the pack. Now all you need to do is practice. Preferably before you employ it for the first time in front of a waiter.

The death of the Renaissance man

This entry presupposes that the Renaissance man actually existed. And was gay. Both are questionable theories at best but one can always hope... Assuming the above were true, where is he now? As my friend recently explained:

'It's sort of a post-intellectual waste land out there. You know there are flashes of intelligence lighting the night sky in rare bursts. Otherwise, I think vapid consumerism and pop culture has swallowed the Renaissance man whole.'

Amen! It seems that finding a self-propelled, yet unselfish man, who is still youthful enough in his social space to not appear to be suffering from lesbian bed-death is nearly impossible these days... Good luck if you're also looking for someone whose pursuits are more varied and less juvenile than thirsting for the next cocktail. 

To top it all off, once you do manage to spot this white elephant, chances are they are either a 'dog' or 'cat' person but never both. Or an even more interesting trend that I've recently spotted is putting that you 'like' cats but 'have' dogs - what is this supposed to mean exactly? Is this the equivalent of 'preferring' one but being desperate enough to 'accept' the other? For the record, I am a 'cat' person. I've had dogs before and I have nothing against them but my current job and lifestyle do not allow me to take anyone out 3 times a day to exercise their bodily functions. I prefer it be done in the context of my home, preferably into an easily scoopable and clumping medium. With baking soda for freshness.  

And so, while dogs are nice, they don't always mix with a girl's cats. Furthermore, they require daily attention while kitties can mind their own business while you escape for the weekend. The cynical ones will try to point out that this is a deficiency that also implies not being able to 'take care' of their partner. I will counter that I would not envision using a plastic bag on my ideal partner's waste. Thus, I put down that I 'like' and 'have' cats.

So what have we gleaned from this entry? Well it seems that finding a good man with half a brain and good sense is like finding a unicorn.  And when you do, you can't wait to straddle it. Even a woman of taste is a bit itchy by the time she finds one as she feels she must act to capture it. I will not mention what the ones with no shame are prepared to do. As long as he 'likes' cats.

All in good fun...

I was talking to a bunch of friends about the quite barren varied landscape of gay singles dating and had so many good thoughts and ideas percolating in my head, that I absolutely had to jot them down. And, if these may help someone at least laugh about the whole thing or be more prepared for the coming onslaught excitement, all the better!
Please note, this site is meant in jest to point out all the little intricacies and idiotypes, common in gay dating. It is not meant to offend, unless you lack a sense of humor =)

The start of a classic...

To commence the inaguration, here is a fictional composite of a typical profile with my comments/explanations included in red... Enjoy!


Name: ChillHotDude (because you can't be just hot - 2 birds with this stone)


Self-summary: Well traveled, masculine, bright, charming and funny--not to toot my own horn. (No - not even close! Do you have anything else to add?) I am open minded and never judge others. ('I will judge you quietly without calling it to your face'). I'm laid back when I comes to my social life and have few, close friends (1 - Have you seen ANY profile where the person is NOT laid back? 2 - The latter part may be a RED flag). I am loyal, reliable and honest. (This implies that, in all likelihood, this person was called unreliable and dishonest in the past so this issue is now officially defused) I'm also out of adjectives for the time being. I consider intellect a greater asset than beauty. (Notice the word choice is 'greater', not 'interchangeable') Beauty fades, dumb is forever. (See above re: running out of adjectives)


My short term goal is to pursue my successful career  in [blank]. (Again, do you know of anyone who is actively pursuing an unsuccessful career? This is what we in the gay world call 'filler')

Not to say that I want to settle for an uninteresting lump of a fella, but I don't really need to go out and do crazy things in nightclubs, or to always make a production out of life. (This basically states that the writer is determined to find the most bland and uninteresting person out there so they can while away the rest of their time in misery and boredom but it's ok as long as they do it together. 'I've settled and would like you to have come to the same realization as well')  I would also like to say that I do like to drink the boozy slushies or a good gin martini. (A sassy drinking reference - it could either be mildy cute or a precursor to an entry below about the importance and structure to life that AA has brought) 

Some of the best days of my life have been the most uneventful, and I think it takes a rare person to share that with. (Yes - very true. A person who has given up hope and standards and fits the rigid criteria, laid out above). If he could cook and wash dishes all the better! (This is a reference to the fact that the writer would most appreciate a partner who also possesses the qualities of a live-in maid. A difficult find but one can always hope...) I do seem to enjoy moderately neurotic fellows but don't want a type A scheduled person making me crazy! (This means that he will mildly entertain your neuroses as long as you don't actually make him get off the couch or bother him about his life in any way. The 'moderately' cleverly refers to that fine line between a successful partnernship and the 'it's not you, it's me...' conversation)

I'm really good at:
Cuddling (This is a reference to 'romance')
Cooking (This is tricky - one man's 5 course meal is another's 5-minute egg... Needs to be elucidated further but signs are hopeful)
Drinking wine (This is a worrisome skill to need to be advertised)
Making fancy cocktails (or reproducing ones I've sampled) (3rd consecutive drinking reference - RED flag #2)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music:

Books....not an avid reader, but seem to surround myself with those who are. (Swing and a miss... This is as bad as it gets as an effort wasn't even there to look at the bookshelf next to the desk and type something random or at least look up a NYTimes or Amazon reading list... something!)

Movies:   

(This category is generally easy and either involves a) the classics, reflecting a person who is moderately familiar with movies, b) criterion classics/art-house films, reflecting an aspiring film major or c) awful recent mass-produced Hollywood schlock, reflecting a vain attempt at trying to be hip and/or trying to hide your age)
Tear jerker: Steel Magnolias
Comedy: Drop Dead Gorgeous
Drama: Pleasantville
All-time: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Shows:
AbFab, Project Runway, Glee, Modern Family, Real Housewives ( I know it's awful, but at least I'm honest!) (This is meant to elevate the writer but is another miss; we all know reality TV is trashy - just fess up to it and be proud!), Barefoot Contessa, anything History Channel

Music:

Pop, rock, classical, techno, opera, all over the map. (This category generally either reflects the absence of decision-making and the permeability of personal taste or is so incredibly specific and esoteric that both serve as a turn off)

Food:

Give me a big, bloody steak and I am a happy man. (Simple pleasures are confused with simple tastes, exposing a bland personality). I don't like octopus or squid, mostly because I have no idea when to stop chewing and swallow. (So many things wrong with this statement, don't even know where to begin! For starters, let's not list our dislikes unless they are required as part of a paramedic history-taking in the case of anaphylactic shock from dinner). I don't seek out raw fish or raw veggie foods. I don't care for fried chicken or bone in anything. Ribs are a rare exception to the bones rule. (Wow - did you get all that? God forbid you serve him raw fish with bones in it - that date would be an instant fail... Sort of like this entire section)


The six things I could never do without:

-Family (Common generic topic #1)
-Friends (Common generic topic #2)
-Beautiful things (This is vague - I've always had a penchant for guys who couldn't get by without the ugly objects in life) 
-Memories (This is indicating that he would prefer NOT to live in a coma or fugue-state, if possible)
-Any of my senses, but most importantly, sight (This is clearly cheating - it reflects a failure to either read the directions or an attempt to game the system. Again, neither is desirable in a potential mate)
-Air conditioning (The latter may be a subtle statement about the plight of modern day society and our over-obsession with material things... or just that he is dependent on cool ambient temperature at all times)

You should message me if:

You want to :)  (Glad we established THAT... I was getting worried there for a second)

And so ends the dissection of a generic gay profile. I hope you learned something and will be just a little bit wiser in the great online dating pool beyond.