"Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start."
- Coldplay, 'The Scientist"
And so with the lyrics of Coldplay I announce my return to the world of singledom after almost a yearlong hiatus. I am not going to go into details of why my latest relationship did not work out but, suffice it to say, we had too many differences that could not be overcome. This was despite the fact that our mutual attraction and emotional/sexual chemistry was probably the best that I have had the pleasure of ever experiencing. However, it remains to be said that all the little things that at first you question but disregard end up coming back full force after a certain period of time. In this case, these ended up killing the entire relationship in a very spectacular fiery wreck of an ending. Do I regret acting on impulse? No. Can I say this was a waste of time? Of course not. Did I learn anything from the experience? A categorical yes!I think this latest 'encounter' really has helped me cement MY personality, MY wants and needs, MY preferences and idiosyncrasies in any future relationships. For I, my readers, am an introvert. I have come to fully understand and finally embrace this fact. It's not about not 'wanting' to go out or 'preferring' to do things a certain way - it is just simply an irrevocable part of my personality and being just as my DNA is. I am completely drained by social interaction. That's not to say I don't enjoy it, but I definitely prefer a small get together with close friends I know well and am comfortable around than hanging out with 'bar friends.' And as much as I would love to stay out late, I figure 5 hours of socializing is plenty especially if no particularly interesting things are discussed and it's all about drinking and watching music videos. Perhaps I am in the minority here, but that's just the way my brain and personality functions.
Which brings me to my next point. I am truly terrified of setting my foot out into the world of dating again. Not least because I have found out that no matter how well you think you know a person they can always turn on you in ways that you never even imagined but also because I am back to square one in sense. However, now I think that I am now much better equipped to understand why some people have reacted to me in the past as they have. I will be referencing a great article from Atlantic Monthly [found at http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/] but this is also coming from a lot of past personal experiences.You see, I am terrified of meeting new people, especially in the context of dating. I know that I try to put on a tough exterior and adopt a hard shell persona but everyone who truly knows me also knows that this is a ruse.
Deep down, I am as exposed and vulnerable as everyone else [if not more so!]. I simply do not want to deal with rejection. Hence my off-the-cuff humor, dry wit, aloof-ness - these are all basically defense mechanisms that I have developed and incorporated into my routine over the years for fear of exposing my true self. I do not want to appear weak in front of others. I hate appearing weak in front of other. I am deathly afraid that if I give off any sings of weakness, I will be taken advantage of. I am deathly afraid that if people know the 'real me' they will leave and not look back. But I can't say my learned habits have helped me all that much. Most people instead tend to assume that I am either shy and quiet at best and snobby and stuck up at worst. They do not understand that when they are talking about any given topic, that I am simply panicking in my head, trying to come up with a witty retort. What's that? They just mentioned that they love Vermont? Oh that reminds me, my brain says, of the time I went up to Killington.... Now when was this and who did I go with?? I must've been in college... Oh crap! Now they are moving on to talk about the things they love to do on Fridays. Must make a mental note on the Killington thing and move on to the current topic....
That, in an essence, is what's going on in my brain all the time. I definitely am not bothered by it but, it seems others are. They think I am 'too slow on the uptake' or am 'above the conversation' but I literally just want a second or two to catch up to add my two cents it and actually make it 'worth-while', whatever that means. This is what it means to be a real introvert. But people tend to instead focus on superficial conversation without derving deep meaning from the things they are talking about and move on with performing the equivalent of throwing me out of a moving car. So add that to all the other stigmas that I must face daily and the mere thought of meeting someone new basically terrifies me. Not to mention the fact that most people want to 'talk' and 'get to know each other' primarily thought verbal interaction on dates and the whole thing has me in a near state of panic. While at least at work I can claim that 'my ideas are best presented after I have had some time to think about them' there really is no such avenue in the world of formal dating. The latter seems to almost exclusively be the territory of extroverts who take pride in it and rigidly enforce their rules upon it and anyone else who wishes to participate. Hence, that is why I think I will elect to be single for the time being. I need to gather my thoughts, heal all my emotional scars, and figure out my future plans slowly. That way I will hopefully have a witty retort ready sooner than a prospective date looses interest.
Which brings me to my next point. I am truly terrified of setting my foot out into the world of dating again. Not least because I have found out that no matter how well you think you know a person they can always turn on you in ways that you never even imagined but also because I am back to square one in sense. However, now I think that I am now much better equipped to understand why some people have reacted to me in the past as they have. I will be referencing a great article from Atlantic Monthly [found at http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/] but this is also coming from a lot of past personal experiences.You see, I am terrified of meeting new people, especially in the context of dating. I know that I try to put on a tough exterior and adopt a hard shell persona but everyone who truly knows me also knows that this is a ruse.
Deep down, I am as exposed and vulnerable as everyone else [if not more so!]. I simply do not want to deal with rejection. Hence my off-the-cuff humor, dry wit, aloof-ness - these are all basically defense mechanisms that I have developed and incorporated into my routine over the years for fear of exposing my true self. I do not want to appear weak in front of others. I hate appearing weak in front of other. I am deathly afraid that if I give off any sings of weakness, I will be taken advantage of. I am deathly afraid that if people know the 'real me' they will leave and not look back. But I can't say my learned habits have helped me all that much. Most people instead tend to assume that I am either shy and quiet at best and snobby and stuck up at worst. They do not understand that when they are talking about any given topic, that I am simply panicking in my head, trying to come up with a witty retort. What's that? They just mentioned that they love Vermont? Oh that reminds me, my brain says, of the time I went up to Killington.... Now when was this and who did I go with?? I must've been in college... Oh crap! Now they are moving on to talk about the things they love to do on Fridays. Must make a mental note on the Killington thing and move on to the current topic....
That, in an essence, is what's going on in my brain all the time. I definitely am not bothered by it but, it seems others are. They think I am 'too slow on the uptake' or am 'above the conversation' but I literally just want a second or two to catch up to add my two cents it and actually make it 'worth-while', whatever that means. This is what it means to be a real introvert. But people tend to instead focus on superficial conversation without derving deep meaning from the things they are talking about and move on with performing the equivalent of throwing me out of a moving car. So add that to all the other stigmas that I must face daily and the mere thought of meeting someone new basically terrifies me. Not to mention the fact that most people want to 'talk' and 'get to know each other' primarily thought verbal interaction on dates and the whole thing has me in a near state of panic. While at least at work I can claim that 'my ideas are best presented after I have had some time to think about them' there really is no such avenue in the world of formal dating. The latter seems to almost exclusively be the territory of extroverts who take pride in it and rigidly enforce their rules upon it and anyone else who wishes to participate. Hence, that is why I think I will elect to be single for the time being. I need to gather my thoughts, heal all my emotional scars, and figure out my future plans slowly. That way I will hopefully have a witty retort ready sooner than a prospective date looses interest.
