The start of a classic...

To commence the inaguration, here is a fictional composite of a typical profile with my comments/explanations included in red... Enjoy!


Name: ChillHotDude (because you can't be just hot - 2 birds with this stone)


Self-summary: Well traveled, masculine, bright, charming and funny--not to toot my own horn. (No - not even close! Do you have anything else to add?) I am open minded and never judge others. ('I will judge you quietly without calling it to your face'). I'm laid back when I comes to my social life and have few, close friends (1 - Have you seen ANY profile where the person is NOT laid back? 2 - The latter part may be a RED flag). I am loyal, reliable and honest. (This implies that, in all likelihood, this person was called unreliable and dishonest in the past so this issue is now officially defused) I'm also out of adjectives for the time being. I consider intellect a greater asset than beauty. (Notice the word choice is 'greater', not 'interchangeable') Beauty fades, dumb is forever. (See above re: running out of adjectives)


My short term goal is to pursue my successful career  in [blank]. (Again, do you know of anyone who is actively pursuing an unsuccessful career? This is what we in the gay world call 'filler')

Not to say that I want to settle for an uninteresting lump of a fella, but I don't really need to go out and do crazy things in nightclubs, or to always make a production out of life. (This basically states that the writer is determined to find the most bland and uninteresting person out there so they can while away the rest of their time in misery and boredom but it's ok as long as they do it together. 'I've settled and would like you to have come to the same realization as well')  I would also like to say that I do like to drink the boozy slushies or a good gin martini. (A sassy drinking reference - it could either be mildy cute or a precursor to an entry below about the importance and structure to life that AA has brought) 

Some of the best days of my life have been the most uneventful, and I think it takes a rare person to share that with. (Yes - very true. A person who has given up hope and standards and fits the rigid criteria, laid out above). If he could cook and wash dishes all the better! (This is a reference to the fact that the writer would most appreciate a partner who also possesses the qualities of a live-in maid. A difficult find but one can always hope...) I do seem to enjoy moderately neurotic fellows but don't want a type A scheduled person making me crazy! (This means that he will mildly entertain your neuroses as long as you don't actually make him get off the couch or bother him about his life in any way. The 'moderately' cleverly refers to that fine line between a successful partnernship and the 'it's not you, it's me...' conversation)

I'm really good at:
Cuddling (This is a reference to 'romance')
Cooking (This is tricky - one man's 5 course meal is another's 5-minute egg... Needs to be elucidated further but signs are hopeful)
Drinking wine (This is a worrisome skill to need to be advertised)
Making fancy cocktails (or reproducing ones I've sampled) (3rd consecutive drinking reference - RED flag #2)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music:

Books....not an avid reader, but seem to surround myself with those who are. (Swing and a miss... This is as bad as it gets as an effort wasn't even there to look at the bookshelf next to the desk and type something random or at least look up a NYTimes or Amazon reading list... something!)

Movies:   

(This category is generally easy and either involves a) the classics, reflecting a person who is moderately familiar with movies, b) criterion classics/art-house films, reflecting an aspiring film major or c) awful recent mass-produced Hollywood schlock, reflecting a vain attempt at trying to be hip and/or trying to hide your age)
Tear jerker: Steel Magnolias
Comedy: Drop Dead Gorgeous
Drama: Pleasantville
All-time: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Shows:
AbFab, Project Runway, Glee, Modern Family, Real Housewives ( I know it's awful, but at least I'm honest!) (This is meant to elevate the writer but is another miss; we all know reality TV is trashy - just fess up to it and be proud!), Barefoot Contessa, anything History Channel

Music:

Pop, rock, classical, techno, opera, all over the map. (This category generally either reflects the absence of decision-making and the permeability of personal taste or is so incredibly specific and esoteric that both serve as a turn off)

Food:

Give me a big, bloody steak and I am a happy man. (Simple pleasures are confused with simple tastes, exposing a bland personality). I don't like octopus or squid, mostly because I have no idea when to stop chewing and swallow. (So many things wrong with this statement, don't even know where to begin! For starters, let's not list our dislikes unless they are required as part of a paramedic history-taking in the case of anaphylactic shock from dinner). I don't seek out raw fish or raw veggie foods. I don't care for fried chicken or bone in anything. Ribs are a rare exception to the bones rule. (Wow - did you get all that? God forbid you serve him raw fish with bones in it - that date would be an instant fail... Sort of like this entire section)


The six things I could never do without:

-Family (Common generic topic #1)
-Friends (Common generic topic #2)
-Beautiful things (This is vague - I've always had a penchant for guys who couldn't get by without the ugly objects in life) 
-Memories (This is indicating that he would prefer NOT to live in a coma or fugue-state, if possible)
-Any of my senses, but most importantly, sight (This is clearly cheating - it reflects a failure to either read the directions or an attempt to game the system. Again, neither is desirable in a potential mate)
-Air conditioning (The latter may be a subtle statement about the plight of modern day society and our over-obsession with material things... or just that he is dependent on cool ambient temperature at all times)

You should message me if:

You want to :)  (Glad we established THAT... I was getting worried there for a second)

And so ends the dissection of a generic gay profile. I hope you learned something and will be just a little bit wiser in the great online dating pool beyond.