Dating Speed Limit

In our daily lives, people generally fall into 3 categories: the ones who race on the highway with blatant disregard for the posted speed limit, others who largely follow it to within 10% and the poor unfortunate souls who think that driving 45 in the left lane of a 75-mph 8-laner is the safest way to go.


The same can be said about dating. There are those who think it is quite appropriate and expected to intimately become acquainted with your tonsils by the first date and other anatomic features by the second; those who seem to enjoy the act of only kissing for weeks without any progression, and those that fall in between the two extremes. Of course this brings up the whole 'how fast is too fast' debate. Call me old-fashioned, but I've always been under the impression that sex should take at least 3-5 dates. It can come later of course but I'm not going to kick my legs up in the air before realizing that your 'roommate' is actually an ex-boyfriend that just happens to still sleep in the same bed and room as you but, you know, it's strictly platonic.


Of course, this brings me to my point - the incompatibility of people from groups 1 and 3 above can be readily seen. However, when the differences are less pronounced but still noticeable, how does one approach this situation? The tried and true method involved the solution to, and cause of most of our problems - alcohol! While effective, this can have unwanted consequences. There's nothing worse than waking up at 10AM with a splitting headache and wondering how you got to where you are and who the person next to you is. And is it even the same one you remember from the day before? Trying to talk and address the pace can also be quite tricky - a high-wire balancing act really - wherein a single misstep can result in you plummeting into the world of ill-repute or sexual fiendom.


If only one had a radar detector that allowed you to cruise along at an appropriately fast speed most of the time, slowing down at just the right moment to evade the cops. Pending this, one will have to stick to carefully observing his dates' driving style and attempting to glean as much from this as possible.

Religiosity

Having been a secular Humanist for most of my life, I generally shy away from overtly religious individuals in my life. It's not that I don't like them or am not open-minded enough to engage them - no, quite the opposite. However, it seems that my generous tolerance for the beliefs of others is not even remotely matched by my Believer brothers. Case in point - I recently found out that an individual that I was dating was quite offended at my usage of the term 'Goddamn!' when used as a substitute for, what were in my opinion, more saucy words. He was not amused however. This was ironic, I thought, especially because not a couple of night ago we watched 'Strangers with Candy', which as some may remember, used that term ad-nauseam for the pure fun of offending people. Anyhoo, not wanting to have the 'religion' talk, I simply tried to downplay it and promised I would work on it. This appeared to not be enough and before I could get a word in edgewise, I was staring down the middle of THE Debate. Now I would prefer some kind of warning prior to engaging in this type of thing to mentally prepare myself or at least search for the emergency exit signs. In this instance, I was literally trapped!


Needless to say, it did not go well. Apparently, sharing one's real opinions and beliefs will not be pleasing to a Believer unless you a) acknowledge that god exists, b) admit that as an atheist, you are a second-class citizen or at least inadequate for 'missing something', c) admit that faith is necessary for all to live a fulfilling life, d) keep your opinion to yourself regarding the above and e) raise any potential children in the Belief, preferably indoctrinating them from an age at which object permanence has just emerged.


Now if anyone knows me, I tend to be very steadfast in my principles, especially when it comes to such personal and defining issues. I politely excused myself, apologized for stating that the bible contains multiple parts that directly contradict other parts (this was more of a saving face gesture as it truly does! I wrote multiple papers on this exact topic) and stated that I did not want to have this discussion further. Alternatively, I may be willing to meet him halfway and become a Pastafarian but I refuse to attend services. More of a just-in-case Pastafarian really as I wouldn't want to have egg on my face once the Flying Spaghetti Monster appears.


Perhaps this episode explains the utility of the 'religion' category in personals but this can get dicey. People put all kinds of things in there, not least of all 'spiritual'. This can mean anything from them not wanting to admit that they are atheists in an attempt to dissuade other people, such as my date, from perceiving them as heretics to hard-core wiccans who dance naked around trees in Central Park until being taken to the Bellevue psychiatric ward. A true gamble!


Perhaps, I will rethink this and consider attending the Church of the FSM after all. As long as they have singles night.

All the good ones are taken...

Surely, you must've found yourself muttering this phrase or even saying it out loud on more than one occasion. Quite frankly, I don't think I go a week without doing so myself. My friends like to point out that I am very 'pragmatic' in my observations and should perhaps work on this but it really seems to be true! 


Case in point: you meet a great personable guy who has a head on his shoulder, career that is well under-way and on auto-pilot with nary an emotional problem in sight when, all of a sudden, on date #X he reveals that he has an incurable chronic infectious disease [that I will not specify further]. Other that this one little fact, he seems perfect. Suddenly, two things come to mind: 1 - what happened to full disclosure BEFORE or at least by the first date regarding such a potentially huge issue and 2 - am I ready to deal with this unexpected turn of events?


Regarding #2, I can say that, honestly, yes I am ready. It helps that the exact same thing has happened before which has prepared me well for the discussions involved and issues needing to be addressed. But the thorn remains: it truly appears that for someone to land a good man, he either needs to be a home-wrecker or be prepared to repeatedly expose himself to at least a minimal baseline risk of acquiring an incurable infectious disease and hope for the best. Otherwise, you're stuck with an emotionally stunted child with a chemical dependency problem or worse. 


I'll take the latter and keep my Costco-sized Post Exposure Prophylaxis kit by my nightstand. Oh, and get tested again. Perhaps, there's a possibility I won't need to worry about it so much and the anxiety will all disappear [or so one can only hope]. . . . 

The Crusaders

I have recently become aware of an interesting subset of people who I will refer to as 'The Crusaders.' These are people who take it upon themselves to serve as self-proclaimed guardians of gay dating. Sort of like a combination between the religious police in Saudi Arabia and a traditional Jewish matchmaker. Apparently, these individuals have taken it upon themselves to get involved in reviewing past relationships, discussing the events leading to the break-up or dissolution thereof and then acting as judge, jury and executioner in one. I naively thought that this was only the purview of family and close confidants but - oh, no - in the Midwest this seems to be quite a common occurrence. If only Stalin had these guys on his side to include in his troikas!


The ironic part, of course, is that the people participating in this are not the most upstanding citizens in the gay community. Much like other figures of authority, they have multiple skeletons in their closets (no matter how big and nice they may be) but behave mostly with impunity. They operate under the pretext of weeding out the 'bad' people within the dating pool with the goal of watching out for 'family.' Quite an interesting mission, that. Apparently, sleeping simultaneously with 2 men in a partnership without the other knowing is one of the admitting requirements to this select circle.

But, no fear! Your trial will be done in absentia, the hearing conducted by at least 12 people you have never met, the evidence presented will be exclusively one-sided with whatever supporting data can be gleaned from Facebook research and Google. Finally, the verdict will either be delivered to you by e-mail or a random person approaching you in a gay bar.


In summary, while there seems to be no good preventative measure for this character defamation, you may want to recruit counsel, proficient in gay relationships [e.g. gay lawyer friend]. Either that or head to Jerusalem to mount a counter-assault.

Peter Pan

The more I sit back and observe, the more I come to the realization that gay men have found the fountain of youth. Sort of. I am of course referring not to a magical serum that irons out all wrinkles in a flash, but a mental fountain of youth. It seems that the vast majority of people I meet seem to have a perpetual disconnect between their chronological and psychological ages. How else to explain the 36 year olds who hit the bar scene almost every day, imbibing massive quantities of alcohol and still wearing clothes and acting like they are back in college...


I do not necessarily think this is a bad aspect - but one has to wonder. If women have to wait until men reach their late 20s and 30s until they have 'matured' enough to sink their teeth settle down with them and break convince them to change their ways and establish a committed long term relationship, how old does a gay man have to be to realize and want the same? I do not think there's a single answer to this question - after all, a lot depends on how long the man in question has had to 'browse' the market. If they are late comers to the party, chances are they will be reliving their teenage years for at least the next 5-10 years.


This is all well and good, but perhaps we need to have a formula or description available that determines the chronological and psychological ages so that one knows what he's getting into - a sort of Peter Pan index. Kind of like a sticker, analogous to city and highway MPG. Which if you think about it, is not bad way to think about the dating process in general...

The roller coaster...

Is there any other activity that is as unpredictable and random as dating? Sure, you can participate in a bungee jump or guide a canoe down a steep creek, but the excitement aspect of it is expected - after all, that's why you seek it out in the first place. Dating in my experience has been the opposite - you go in expecting an entertaining enough time but don't really pin your hopes on any one particular outcome lest you be repeatedly and severely disappointed. At least you will have tried that restaurant you've always been talking about or finally have an original and misshapen unique mug that you promised to make one day, a la a bad version of 'Ghost'.

And so there are truly few other things that can give you as much of an intoxicating rush as 'the perfect date.' When it all does actually come together and go well beyond what you imaged, you feel an overwhelming rush,  almost like you have to take a step back just to take it all in. To bask in this effervescent, preternatural sense of being, while realizing that although outcomes such as this are few and far between, they make the entire process redeem itself.  Serving as a beacon of dating bliss, the above lead us onward to continue to strive for even more occasions that match in intensity and excitement... Admitting to the fact that chemistry between two people can indeed lead to something so beautiful and fragile yet powerful and grandiose at the same time is a very humbling realization to come to. That so much of one's own happiness can be derived from a shared experience, be so dependent on another seems almost contrary to human nature. One can only hope that it lasts and does not recede with time...

And when someone asks you to leave the ride, you hold on for dear life and ask if you can do it all over again.

What's cute at first...

Have you noticed that when you first meet someone, they have a 'thing'. We've all encountered - whether it is mispronouncing a word [e.g. nuclear becomes nu-cular], changing the accent on a word [All-bany becomes Al-ban-ee], or having a saying ['flip a U' instead of 'make a U-turn'], most of us do this. And at first, you think that's it's 'refreshing' and 'cute'. Then it becomes 'well that's just the way they do it.' However, over time this seems to devolve into a major annoyance. And no matter how many times you lightly point this out, it seems to never sink in. Hell, even if you tell the person that it is no longer 'cute' and 'will you PLEASE stop doing it', they just seem to continue to do so out of spite.


As you can tell, I can definitely relate to this phenomenon. Thus, I do not think I would be able to date someone who refuses to properly pronounce chorizo. It's not even that hard of a word: cho-REE-zoe. Or connoisseur. Or bruschetta. If you are able to preemptively self-identify this problem, you are ahead of the pack. Now all you need to do is practice. Preferably before you employ it for the first time in front of a waiter.

The death of the Renaissance man

This entry presupposes that the Renaissance man actually existed. And was gay. Both are questionable theories at best but one can always hope... Assuming the above were true, where is he now? As my friend recently explained:

'It's sort of a post-intellectual waste land out there. You know there are flashes of intelligence lighting the night sky in rare bursts. Otherwise, I think vapid consumerism and pop culture has swallowed the Renaissance man whole.'

Amen! It seems that finding a self-propelled, yet unselfish man, who is still youthful enough in his social space to not appear to be suffering from lesbian bed-death is nearly impossible these days... Good luck if you're also looking for someone whose pursuits are more varied and less juvenile than thirsting for the next cocktail. 

To top it all off, once you do manage to spot this white elephant, chances are they are either a 'dog' or 'cat' person but never both. Or an even more interesting trend that I've recently spotted is putting that you 'like' cats but 'have' dogs - what is this supposed to mean exactly? Is this the equivalent of 'preferring' one but being desperate enough to 'accept' the other? For the record, I am a 'cat' person. I've had dogs before and I have nothing against them but my current job and lifestyle do not allow me to take anyone out 3 times a day to exercise their bodily functions. I prefer it be done in the context of my home, preferably into an easily scoopable and clumping medium. With baking soda for freshness.  

And so, while dogs are nice, they don't always mix with a girl's cats. Furthermore, they require daily attention while kitties can mind their own business while you escape for the weekend. The cynical ones will try to point out that this is a deficiency that also implies not being able to 'take care' of their partner. I will counter that I would not envision using a plastic bag on my ideal partner's waste. Thus, I put down that I 'like' and 'have' cats.

So what have we gleaned from this entry? Well it seems that finding a good man with half a brain and good sense is like finding a unicorn.  And when you do, you can't wait to straddle it. Even a woman of taste is a bit itchy by the time she finds one as she feels she must act to capture it. I will not mention what the ones with no shame are prepared to do. As long as he 'likes' cats.

All in good fun...

I was talking to a bunch of friends about the quite barren varied landscape of gay singles dating and had so many good thoughts and ideas percolating in my head, that I absolutely had to jot them down. And, if these may help someone at least laugh about the whole thing or be more prepared for the coming onslaught excitement, all the better!
Please note, this site is meant in jest to point out all the little intricacies and idiotypes, common in gay dating. It is not meant to offend, unless you lack a sense of humor =)

The start of a classic...

To commence the inaguration, here is a fictional composite of a typical profile with my comments/explanations included in red... Enjoy!


Name: ChillHotDude (because you can't be just hot - 2 birds with this stone)


Self-summary: Well traveled, masculine, bright, charming and funny--not to toot my own horn. (No - not even close! Do you have anything else to add?) I am open minded and never judge others. ('I will judge you quietly without calling it to your face'). I'm laid back when I comes to my social life and have few, close friends (1 - Have you seen ANY profile where the person is NOT laid back? 2 - The latter part may be a RED flag). I am loyal, reliable and honest. (This implies that, in all likelihood, this person was called unreliable and dishonest in the past so this issue is now officially defused) I'm also out of adjectives for the time being. I consider intellect a greater asset than beauty. (Notice the word choice is 'greater', not 'interchangeable') Beauty fades, dumb is forever. (See above re: running out of adjectives)


My short term goal is to pursue my successful career  in [blank]. (Again, do you know of anyone who is actively pursuing an unsuccessful career? This is what we in the gay world call 'filler')

Not to say that I want to settle for an uninteresting lump of a fella, but I don't really need to go out and do crazy things in nightclubs, or to always make a production out of life. (This basically states that the writer is determined to find the most bland and uninteresting person out there so they can while away the rest of their time in misery and boredom but it's ok as long as they do it together. 'I've settled and would like you to have come to the same realization as well')  I would also like to say that I do like to drink the boozy slushies or a good gin martini. (A sassy drinking reference - it could either be mildy cute or a precursor to an entry below about the importance and structure to life that AA has brought) 

Some of the best days of my life have been the most uneventful, and I think it takes a rare person to share that with. (Yes - very true. A person who has given up hope and standards and fits the rigid criteria, laid out above). If he could cook and wash dishes all the better! (This is a reference to the fact that the writer would most appreciate a partner who also possesses the qualities of a live-in maid. A difficult find but one can always hope...) I do seem to enjoy moderately neurotic fellows but don't want a type A scheduled person making me crazy! (This means that he will mildly entertain your neuroses as long as you don't actually make him get off the couch or bother him about his life in any way. The 'moderately' cleverly refers to that fine line between a successful partnernship and the 'it's not you, it's me...' conversation)

I'm really good at:
Cuddling (This is a reference to 'romance')
Cooking (This is tricky - one man's 5 course meal is another's 5-minute egg... Needs to be elucidated further but signs are hopeful)
Drinking wine (This is a worrisome skill to need to be advertised)
Making fancy cocktails (or reproducing ones I've sampled) (3rd consecutive drinking reference - RED flag #2)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music:

Books....not an avid reader, but seem to surround myself with those who are. (Swing and a miss... This is as bad as it gets as an effort wasn't even there to look at the bookshelf next to the desk and type something random or at least look up a NYTimes or Amazon reading list... something!)

Movies:   

(This category is generally easy and either involves a) the classics, reflecting a person who is moderately familiar with movies, b) criterion classics/art-house films, reflecting an aspiring film major or c) awful recent mass-produced Hollywood schlock, reflecting a vain attempt at trying to be hip and/or trying to hide your age)
Tear jerker: Steel Magnolias
Comedy: Drop Dead Gorgeous
Drama: Pleasantville
All-time: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Shows:
AbFab, Project Runway, Glee, Modern Family, Real Housewives ( I know it's awful, but at least I'm honest!) (This is meant to elevate the writer but is another miss; we all know reality TV is trashy - just fess up to it and be proud!), Barefoot Contessa, anything History Channel

Music:

Pop, rock, classical, techno, opera, all over the map. (This category generally either reflects the absence of decision-making and the permeability of personal taste or is so incredibly specific and esoteric that both serve as a turn off)

Food:

Give me a big, bloody steak and I am a happy man. (Simple pleasures are confused with simple tastes, exposing a bland personality). I don't like octopus or squid, mostly because I have no idea when to stop chewing and swallow. (So many things wrong with this statement, don't even know where to begin! For starters, let's not list our dislikes unless they are required as part of a paramedic history-taking in the case of anaphylactic shock from dinner). I don't seek out raw fish or raw veggie foods. I don't care for fried chicken or bone in anything. Ribs are a rare exception to the bones rule. (Wow - did you get all that? God forbid you serve him raw fish with bones in it - that date would be an instant fail... Sort of like this entire section)


The six things I could never do without:

-Family (Common generic topic #1)
-Friends (Common generic topic #2)
-Beautiful things (This is vague - I've always had a penchant for guys who couldn't get by without the ugly objects in life) 
-Memories (This is indicating that he would prefer NOT to live in a coma or fugue-state, if possible)
-Any of my senses, but most importantly, sight (This is clearly cheating - it reflects a failure to either read the directions or an attempt to game the system. Again, neither is desirable in a potential mate)
-Air conditioning (The latter may be a subtle statement about the plight of modern day society and our over-obsession with material things... or just that he is dependent on cool ambient temperature at all times)

You should message me if:

You want to :)  (Glad we established THAT... I was getting worried there for a second)

And so ends the dissection of a generic gay profile. I hope you learned something and will be just a little bit wiser in the great online dating pool beyond.