How not to do it, take 3

I hope that these examples are helpful in illustrating what not to do. It seems that either people put way too much effort into all the wrong things as Part 2 revealed so well or absolutely effort into their profiles as the below shows. Note that the following sections are missing entirely: 'About me', 'I'm good at', 'The most private thing I'm willing to admit', 'I spend a lot of time thinking about', '6 things I could not do without', which is probably just as well as you will see below. Without further ado...

Summary:

My name is *** and I am a pretty easy going guy [again with the easy-going?]. I like being active wether [a typo - we'll let it slide] its [eek!] going roller blading, working out, doing little projects at home. Im [typo#3] pretty settled down and lookng [typo 4 - okay, this is getting eggregious! You cannot ask this man to write more than a sentence apparently...]  towards meeting people for both friends and hopefully something more serious.

My life:

I spend most of my time working and at home [Really? I really can't imagine that...] . I like to roller blade [I get it - he likes to roller blade.... did everyone notice?], go to the beach, hang out with friends, and find something crazy to do once in a while. I recently joined a camping group and hope to go out with thm [typo#5] once a month for the next year.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, food:

My favortes [typo#6 - who's counting anymore?]  movies are the Harry Potter series [oy!], and old movies [this is vague - it could mean anything from Charlie Chaplin to Audrey Hepburn to Romy and Michele!]. My number one genre in music is country, followed by top 40. I like all kinds of food, no real favorites but am scared to eat sea food [I actually give kudos to this - at least he has a reason. Unlike the other examples we've seen].

On a Friday night, I am:

I spend most fridays nights at home, but could be doing any number of things [as could we all?]. Could be have friends over for dinner [I'm starting to feel like a high school grammar teacher...], I could be working out, watching movies, or home/yard projects. If I am not at home the one place I like to go out on Friday nights is *** in ***, but only make it out there several times a year [I think he has already made a good case for pretty much never going out - this only serves to reinforce it and put the nail into the coffin! Perhaps the latter part could be dropped in an attempt to be less off-putting more mysterious].

You should message me if:

You should message me if you want to meet me. We could go out for coffee, a walk in the park, or stay in and make dinner [somehow I think while other choices are presented, I know what the REAL preference is...].

And there it is.... Bland, trite, totally devoid of personality and bordering on the endorsement of an agoraphobic lifestyle. Ironically, this one might actually have been helped had less been said! As it stands, I would put this somewhere on a scale between anemic and comatose. 

How not to do it, take 2

This one is particularly bad! Believe it or not, I did not make up a single thing - this is an ACTUAL profile. I don't think I could come up with this even if I tried... I am not even going to make any comments - I think this speaks for itself. Enjoy!

Summary:

LOOKING FOR "LTR" & FUN... IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER...
Straight acting & masculine. Total guy's guy. Grew up in the northern suburbs. Versatile top w/ fine cock. Butch personality. Into sports, music, travel & the outdoors. Living in western suburbs/weekend travel to [blank]. Looking for hot friends to get to know & for a good time. Open to LTR with the right person. Must be masculine, height/weight proportionate, with hair in the right places & have an outgoing, confident personality. Prefer close to my own age and younger. D/D free. You be too. Tested 7/25/11. Regarding LTR, you must have your act together. I am looking for a partner interested in raising a family.

My life:

I'm going places with my life. Aggressively climbing the corporate ladder. Career focused. Willing to share my success with a qualified partner. Looking for a partner who is educated, successful and career oriented.

I'm good at:

Cooking, hiking, fishing, camping, gardening. Love the outdoors and any outdoor activities.

About me:

I'm super genuine and down to earth. I tend to talk a lot. I'm like a radio. I'm constantly broadcasting. I'm a nice guy. I tend to go out of my way for people. I'm a little quick to judge. I don't like being taken advantage of. If I think someone is using me, they're going to be "un-friended". I'm told I've got a great smile.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, food:

I'm a total nerd. Into personal finance. I read financial magazines. Love Star Trek. I enjoy most sci-fi. Huge [blank] fan. I try to get along with [blank] fans. I don't appreciate the negativity of what seems like the majority of [blank] fans towards[blank] fans... I know my team sucks. I still like them anyway. So get over it!!! I tend to be shallow when it comes to movies. Mars Attacks!, Independence Day, Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6, Terminator 2. More serious movies: Brokeback Mountain, Short Bus, Into the Wild. I kinda get into Broadway shows, but wouldn't be caught dead singing showtunes in public. I like seafood. A lot. And I like fish and red meat. A lot. Some days I'll eat only fruits and veggies... That's how I restore balance to the force...

6 things I could not do without:

Where would society be today without vitamins, condoms, personal lubricant, attractive men, red wine, & craft beers...


And now, presenting the short list of things I'd like to be without: politicians, god and religion, timekeeping & calendars, cigarette smoke, and stupid celebrity reality shows on TV.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Why there are so many ignorant people in the world... I'd like to ship all the dumb dumbs off to another planet... And all the bad drivers... Why can't we get rid of them too... I also spend a lot of time thinking about what it would actually be like if the [blank] were to not only play in the World Series in my lifetime, but to actually win the World Series. Also spend a lot of time thinking about aliens... They're totally out there. Probably not such a good idea if they come here... My guess is that if they come to Earth, its going to end up very, very bad for us... They'll either come to take natural resources and plunder the planet or come to eat us... I'd prefer the outcome of a zombie plague to having to defend the planet from aliens.

On a Friday night, I am:

perfectly content to sit at home and relax in front of the TV... I like to go out from time to time on a Friday, but for me its just great to relax after a crazy, crazy week.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit:

I've got an ego... Though somehow I'm down to earth... I'm a minimalist... I don't buy fancy new clothes, don't think much of fancy new cars, prefer meals out, travel, recreational activities, time outdoors, and shared experiences with family and friends over receiving gifts... I'm not materialistic. I dumpster dive for second hand furniture rather than buy new things... I collect friends and lovers, rather than material objects.... I love a date with a nice looking guy followed by intimacy if the chemistry is right.... I tend to be "easy" but I'm not a cheap date... If your idea of a date is grabbing fast food, then it's probably better that we not meet... My philosophy about dating is simple... Relationships have to have roughly four pillars... Sexual compatibility, an emotional connection, trust and respect, and economic parity... I've been in some great relationships where everything was perfect, but I ended up sexually frustrated. Needless to say those relationships didn't work out... I've also had relationships where I was in love with the person, but there was no economic parity... Every day was a struggle in that relationship.... No worries... There isn't going to be a test... And I don't bite, unless you want me to... One of my priorities on a date is to figure out if the other person and I are sexually compatible... For me, that's the most important thing.... Everything else is necessary also, but I can find those things out over time... If the sex isn't good however, most likely there isn't going to be a next time... Sorry, I may come across as a dick... You gotta wonder which head is doing the thinking as I sit here writing this... Its just how I am... Anyway, I look forward to our first date!

You should message me if:
Message me if you're withing close proximity to my area or willing to travel. I'm not into the long distance thing. I've done long distance relationships before and they're totally stupid. Read my entire profile. I'm a bit sarcastic at times but genuinely a nice guy. My humor tends to be a bit trashy... I've been known to offend... Most people see through all of that and like me.... You should definitely take a chance and say hi!!!

Depth Perception

As a friend of mine remarked the other day, 

'Dating anyone with any level of depth in [blank city] is like drowning in 3 feet of water!' 

Amen to that! Have you noticed how a lot of people who move to the 'big city' seem to become paralyzed and mired in their day-to-day life, which they consider to be the epitome of success and high living? More and more, I meet men who go on and on about the small town that they have 'escaped' and how happy they are to have moved but when I ask them about their further goals and ambitions, all they do is stare blankly. I understand that you've made it - you have your own studio/1 BR that's within walking distance of the hottest gay bars in town and you now look down on others who own a car as you believe that to be the antithesis of a hip, urban lifestyle that clashes with your new-found green fad sensibility. You also find it incredibly exciting to try 'world-class' restaurants such as Chipotle, the asian fusion place down the block (so called as they take the same basic noodles and vegetables and change the prepackaged sauces to suit Vietnamese, Chinese, or  Thai at your whim), the Olive Garden or, for those special occasions, Maggiano's. These, in turn, also become their new-found criteria to evaluate others on. Besides the ever-present markers of income, clothes, level of fitness or 'staying healthy.' 
However,  I regret to inform you that there are - gasp - other things to consider. For starters, there are cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Tokyo, Paris and others where life does not end with the splendor described above. Not to mention, cultural capitals such as Bilbao, Milan, St. Petersburg, Hong Kong can actually offer one a little bit more food for the soul that your local gay men's chorus group. You can discover world-class film (albeit with subtitles - this one is a common deal-breaker), the opera, theater (and not just Broadway!), revisit museums to partake in a classical art expo or go to a new gallery to see up and coming talent, do a picnic in a park and listen to the symphony or opera, visit a university campus to listen to a foreign leader or expert talk about their field - the list goes on and on! 
But, alas, mediocrity is a moving target. It reminds me of those college courses where you were graded on overall improvement from your baseline as opposed to on an absolute scale. Suddenly, it's okay to not dream big but just to dream... anything. And that is precisely the reason I am not a fan of the beach and much prefer swimming in the pool, under controlled circumstances.

A question of 'flutter'

In my experience, I have heard this being said more often that I care to admit:

' I met a great guy who's super nice, very attractive, is very well put together and treats me like no one else but he just didn't make my heart flutter so I broke up with him'

This begs the question - what exactly are we looking for when we say this? And are you talking about actual heart palpitations or something (hopefully) a little more metaphorical?  How can it be that after you find someone who is so close to perfect, against all odds I might add, you then proceed to give it up in the blink of an eye? Is this an example of being extremely fickle or just not knowing what you're after?


I do not believe that people who make these kinds of statements have a malicious intent or are that clueless. However, it seems that at a minimum you owe it to yourself and to the other person to know what you are looking for. A particular friend of mine seems to go through this loop ad nauseam and I have stopped lightly pointing this out to him and have just been telling him up front that he clearly does not know what to expect out of a relationship. I am a firm believer that you need to treat your date/boyfriend/partner/significant other with the same courtesy and respect and love that you expect to get back in return. To give anything less is unjust and undeserved. Furthermore, the loss of that 'fluttering' feeling is all too normal - one cannot expect to continue to experience that first high ad infinitum. What is more important is what emerges from those initial impressions and feelings - hopefully something that is durable and uplifting and inspirational, based on a deep personal understanding that is rooted in your personalities and interactions thereof, your values and desires in life. Now if only I could make it that far just this one time...
 

The perfect list?

To continue my discussion about standards and dating, I will begin to address a long-standing issue of mine. And that is whether a 'list' - in this case, a mental break-down of traits that are desired in a potential partner that can be used to screen potential candidates - is a help or hindrance to the process. All of us have our lists - they may be very small and non-specific except to indicate that someone has to have a car and a job [see previous post] or can be very long and esoteric as mine have been known to be in the past.  The question of whether they work is up in the air. A good example of someone with a list can be seen in that timeless series, 'Sex and the City' in the case of Miranda, the bossy lawyer, being the perfect example of someone whose desires and wants have clearly run away and prevent her from dealing with reality. This was not too dissimilar from my early dating experiences as well as I though I wanted to find someone who shared so many of my interests and opinions, that I pretty much ruled everyone out who was not genetically related. My most recent relationship was actually with someone who would have likely never met the list, and it was for the most part quite successful except for the fact that in the end we were fundamentally too different as people and had conflicting goals in life, which lead to our parting.  

I suppose having your own list is useful on another level - it can serve as a crutch that you can rely on to help in deciding who you would not continue to date. Instead of truly delving into the issues at hand and spending countless hours analyzing the true meaning behind your interactions and what you perceive the other person to be, it greatly cuts down on your time to simply say: "He doesn't eat sushi? He's out!" By this criteria, the list becomes a heuristic - a simple and straightforward tool to shorten complex decision-making. But just as it saves time and can seem indispensable, it can just as surely set us up for pitfalls and prompt to quickly dismiss someone for relatively minor and ultimately inconsequential reasons.

So, barring the above, what do we have left? The way that the person makes you feel and act when they're around? Does he make me happy and do I find myself thinking of the next time I see him? Does he open up parts of my personality that I did not know existed and does he push me to do new things? Is he someone that I can relate and look up to? As you can tell, a lot of these are based on a purely emotional basis and the difficulty here is how to distinguish between a true, strong and durable attraction from the usual short-lived feelings of sexual attraction and lust and the giddiness that accompanies the first few dates that inevitably lose steam with time. In short, it is much like the quote below:

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."

- Woody Allen

In short, I don't believe I have an answer to the above. If I did, I would likely not be creating an entry on this topic. So I suppose I will have to get back to this one at a later time. But for now, I will have to rely on what I know and see where it takes me.  Oh, and for the purposes of my own purging, I will put up my infamous list below. Now I can finally be free.

The List:

* Compatible sense of humor [dark, witty, can joke about anything]

* Job that he is happy with

* Propensity to grow - personally and professionally

* Wishes to improve himself though education, travel, culture, personal growth

* Liberal/progressive in outlook

* Reads the New Yorker and the New York Times on a regular basis

* Knows how to cook or is willing to learn

* Adventurous with food or has the desire to grow
* Likes Korean, Chinese, Japanese food [not just sushi]
* Knows the difference between Mandarin, Cantonese, Hunan cuisines
* Avid coffee drinker
* Prefers Starbucks to other major coffee chains
* Secretly knows that Oren's Daily Roast is the best coffee in New York

* Considers himself an intellectual or aspires to be with one

* Not religious or minimally so

* Likes pets

* Taller than 5'5"

* Balances career with personal life

* Likes the outdoors; goes camping/hiking

* Is not overly emotional/dramatic, can communicate feelings well

* Appreciates along time for self and partner

* Able to balance going out as well as staying in and having a low key night at home

* Is inspired to make the best out of life and strives to accomplish everything he sets out to do

* Keeps his car clean

* Keeps his house in order

* No substance abuse problems

* No uncontrolled mental health issues

* Well-adjusted

* Under 250 lbs

* Has average or above-average self-esteem

* Is interested in a healthy lifestyle [this is not to say he is a health nut]

* Appreciates the quality of time spent together, not just quantity

* Open to travel and exploring the world wherever that make take him

* Similar music tastes

* Appreciates classic and Criterion collection films; prefers foreign to domestic pictures

* Is an avid reader

* Willing to move for his partner and expectation is shared

* Supportive and kind

* Not dependent

* Can be spontaneous if the need arises

* Interested in foreign language

* Values multiculturalism and diversity, not insular

* Looks forward to sharing new experiences and personal growth together with his partner

* Matches personalities or is compatible by Meyers-Brigg

* Knows what Meyers-Brigg is

A question of standards

Upon my recent discussions with friends, dates and former boyfriends I discovered something striking. It seems that there appears to be a pattern of lowering one's standards in a directly opposite relation to one's success. Case in point: a successful bank manager, who has a law school degree, is personable, attractive, witty and overall an awesome catch described me the following when I inquired as to his ideal partner: 

" I want someone who is employed, not crazy and does not bring bologna on the first date."

Of course I though he was joking, but he apparently was not. When I prodded about the rest of his 'list' he just looked at me and said there was nothing else to add. Then he proceeded to tell me the story of an 'exciting' first date wherein the guy was supposed to meet him at a restaurant but instead bumped into him at the bologna counter at a nearby grocery store. Apparently, the lure of said bologna was too much to wait until after the date to purchase.

On the other hand, I have also seen multiple examples of people who are barely employed in fields that do not offer stellar job growth or advancement opportunities who seem to have a list a mile long and would absolutely refuse to date anyone who doesn't drive a late-model year luxury car and have money to spend and then some. So this begs the question: what is going on??

I find the above developments very disconcerting as it already takes the tiny pool of actually date-able upstanding quality men and decreases it further by making them so pessimistic and down-trodden through recurrent bad experiences that they have no choice but give up as illustrated in the case above. Or they go the other extreme and throw up a list of qualifications that pretty much disqualifies anyone who is not their identical twin from ever making it past the first few dates. Surely, we can [and should] do better! Not that elevating your standards works any better [just ask me!] but there definitely needs to be a happy medium. And if all else fails, then at least have a 'no lunch meat' date policy laid out ahead of time.

Knitting on the bus...

The other day I was taking the bus on my commute to work when I saw a peculiar sight. An attractive late 20-something girl in scrubs who was listening to her headphones and in her hand holding a circular wire loop with what looked like the start of a sweater sleeve attached to the inside. She was concentrating on near-effortlessly coordinating multiple complicated moves with her two knitting needles and a third tooth-pick like object to guide the canary yellow string into its' rightful place in the meshwork. The degree to which she was engrossed in her task was almost perplexing - who was she making the item for? She did not have a ring on her finger so the obvious question was whether her 'hobby' was somehow related to this fact. At the same time, she definitely did not strike me as the stereotypical image of a spinster. Perhaps the truth lay somewhere in between. To speak the truth, on some level I almost envied her dedication and skill and ability to let everything else disappear into the background while she was handling the task at hand. On the other hand, I almost felt a twinge of pity for her - would she be doing the exact same routine if you fast-forward 5, 10 or 20 years? What if she missed that Hollywood-esque opportunity of meeting Mr. Right who boarded the bus and smiled at her in an attempt to sit next to her and she was too engrossed to notice him. And just when would she be done with her project? Surely, she can't be making an entire sweater, I thought. 


As the bus made its' corner turn and I rang the bell and got up I took one last look at her. She was as immersed in her task as ever, not even acknowledging the woman next to her who bumped her with a purse as she was getting up. As I stepped off and began the short walk to my work building, I had made my mind up: I would not take up knitting. Sure, I could ride on the bus by myself and arrive home to my cat but at least I hoped to not miss Mr. Right should the opportunity ever arose.