The perfect list?

To continue my discussion about standards and dating, I will begin to address a long-standing issue of mine. And that is whether a 'list' - in this case, a mental break-down of traits that are desired in a potential partner that can be used to screen potential candidates - is a help or hindrance to the process. All of us have our lists - they may be very small and non-specific except to indicate that someone has to have a car and a job [see previous post] or can be very long and esoteric as mine have been known to be in the past.  The question of whether they work is up in the air. A good example of someone with a list can be seen in that timeless series, 'Sex and the City' in the case of Miranda, the bossy lawyer, being the perfect example of someone whose desires and wants have clearly run away and prevent her from dealing with reality. This was not too dissimilar from my early dating experiences as well as I though I wanted to find someone who shared so many of my interests and opinions, that I pretty much ruled everyone out who was not genetically related. My most recent relationship was actually with someone who would have likely never met the list, and it was for the most part quite successful except for the fact that in the end we were fundamentally too different as people and had conflicting goals in life, which lead to our parting.  

I suppose having your own list is useful on another level - it can serve as a crutch that you can rely on to help in deciding who you would not continue to date. Instead of truly delving into the issues at hand and spending countless hours analyzing the true meaning behind your interactions and what you perceive the other person to be, it greatly cuts down on your time to simply say: "He doesn't eat sushi? He's out!" By this criteria, the list becomes a heuristic - a simple and straightforward tool to shorten complex decision-making. But just as it saves time and can seem indispensable, it can just as surely set us up for pitfalls and prompt to quickly dismiss someone for relatively minor and ultimately inconsequential reasons.

So, barring the above, what do we have left? The way that the person makes you feel and act when they're around? Does he make me happy and do I find myself thinking of the next time I see him? Does he open up parts of my personality that I did not know existed and does he push me to do new things? Is he someone that I can relate and look up to? As you can tell, a lot of these are based on a purely emotional basis and the difficulty here is how to distinguish between a true, strong and durable attraction from the usual short-lived feelings of sexual attraction and lust and the giddiness that accompanies the first few dates that inevitably lose steam with time. In short, it is much like the quote below:

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."

- Woody Allen

In short, I don't believe I have an answer to the above. If I did, I would likely not be creating an entry on this topic. So I suppose I will have to get back to this one at a later time. But for now, I will have to rely on what I know and see where it takes me.  Oh, and for the purposes of my own purging, I will put up my infamous list below. Now I can finally be free.

The List:

* Compatible sense of humor [dark, witty, can joke about anything]

* Job that he is happy with

* Propensity to grow - personally and professionally

* Wishes to improve himself though education, travel, culture, personal growth

* Liberal/progressive in outlook

* Reads the New Yorker and the New York Times on a regular basis

* Knows how to cook or is willing to learn

* Adventurous with food or has the desire to grow
* Likes Korean, Chinese, Japanese food [not just sushi]
* Knows the difference between Mandarin, Cantonese, Hunan cuisines
* Avid coffee drinker
* Prefers Starbucks to other major coffee chains
* Secretly knows that Oren's Daily Roast is the best coffee in New York

* Considers himself an intellectual or aspires to be with one

* Not religious or minimally so

* Likes pets

* Taller than 5'5"

* Balances career with personal life

* Likes the outdoors; goes camping/hiking

* Is not overly emotional/dramatic, can communicate feelings well

* Appreciates along time for self and partner

* Able to balance going out as well as staying in and having a low key night at home

* Is inspired to make the best out of life and strives to accomplish everything he sets out to do

* Keeps his car clean

* Keeps his house in order

* No substance abuse problems

* No uncontrolled mental health issues

* Well-adjusted

* Under 250 lbs

* Has average or above-average self-esteem

* Is interested in a healthy lifestyle [this is not to say he is a health nut]

* Appreciates the quality of time spent together, not just quantity

* Open to travel and exploring the world wherever that make take him

* Similar music tastes

* Appreciates classic and Criterion collection films; prefers foreign to domestic pictures

* Is an avid reader

* Willing to move for his partner and expectation is shared

* Supportive and kind

* Not dependent

* Can be spontaneous if the need arises

* Interested in foreign language

* Values multiculturalism and diversity, not insular

* Looks forward to sharing new experiences and personal growth together with his partner

* Matches personalities or is compatible by Meyers-Brigg

* Knows what Meyers-Brigg is